दिल मे लगी आग को बुझाओगे कैसे?
होंठों के बीच अंगारो को, पैरो तले जैसे?
वक़िफ़ तो है हुम अप्ने मुक़द्दर से मगर,
बसे इस जेहेन मे सिकन्दर को, मिटाओगे कैसे?
कोशिशे कि लाखो, पर नैय्या कभी लगी ही नही,
जिस किनारे घर हमारा बना हो जैसे.
वो साहिल हि था, जो दरिया से दरिया ले चलता हमे,
के बवंडरो से कश्मकश हि थी जिन्दगी जैसे!
Poetry is that lucky emotion to find words to express itself. Not that I am a great poet or something, but the words above have just been put together by yours truly.
So sad is the back drop of this story that I sometimes wonder how badly depressed I am. Meet the Speedosopher, the guy who is excellent in giving unnecessary gyan because probably that is the only thing he thinks will not fail! I had written about ‘the Rock Bottom’ before and no Dwayne Johnson has anything to do with it. It was then, when I was trying to mask my depression under the mask of thought.
But then what is the point in hiding! My life, my depression, my fucking choice! It has been quite some time that I have been trying to do things right for a change and it turns out that I am digging my own bloody grave. We all have been taught that doing the right thing will always make you happy. But the truth is, fuck my lord, it doesn’t.
That is because – here is the crux – you can not define the ‘right thing’. The right thing, by virtue of its definition, is that deed which when done would probably make the stake holders of your life think you are not going to the dogs yet! Reminds me of ‘Sadda Haq’ – what an amazing composition by AR Rahman – getting the emotions out of the noted perfectly!
I am no politician. I believe in doing things the right way and it doesn’t matter if the thing is wrong in the first place. If I have chosen to do it, it has to be precariously planned and ruthlessly executed. Well, this brings me to my professional life. Well, I am lucky enough to find a workplace that seems to be awesome and the job that I do feels super awesome. I guess it is the excess of ‘awesomeness’, like Barney says, is screwing things up. I may be wrong, but from where I stand, I see a lot of disparity in the responsibility vs authority matrix. I thought the two years I was wasted in MBA, were a complete waste but no! Mistaking accountability for micro-management and trying to measure everything are the two biggest mistakes one can do and if that gets drilled down as a culture in a growing organization, it’s a disaster in the making.
But, fuck that. That is not what is bothering me the most now. Is it not super awesome when you get hired for a role where well, you will have to figure out what you would do. Take my word, it is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Because, you can not tread on to any one’s closely guarded territories unless your appointment letter says so, neither can you expect a good appraisal because they were always so many things you could do. And when you have friends like mine, well, I will have to wish you the best of luck twice over.
But fuck that too. That’s not again the point. After years of doing the right things, trusting the good in people, I still am stuck. I have a rusted motorcycle, my car is in shambles, I haven’t been on the road with no chut telling me to slow down and at the end of it, I don’t even have money in my bank. I am tired of living a good life. I am tired of doing the right things. I am tired of being what I am – a foolish wreck. But the best part of this is, if I break away right now – hell would break loose. Not that I fear it, but somehow I have got used to avoid it.
ढुंढते रहे वजूद, अनजनी उन लेहेरो मे,
आके कोइ बतलाएगी आशियने का पता जैसे!
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
PS: Do not expect me to thank you for the sympathy or empathy or whatever, I don’t need any of those. This is my shit, my choice!