दिल मे लगी आग को बुझाओगे कैसे?
होंठों के बीच अंगारो को, पैरो तले जैसे?
वक़िफ़ तो है हुम अप्ने मुक़द्दर से मगर,
बसे इस जेहेन मे सिकन्दर को, मिटाओगे कैसे?
कोशिशे कि लाखो, पर नैय्या कभी लगी ही नही,
जिस किनारे घर हमारा बना हो जैसे.
वो साहिल हि था, जो दरिया से दरिया ले चलता हमे,
के बवंडरो से कश्मकश हि थी जिन्दगी जैसे!
Poetry is that lucky emotion to find words to express
itself. Not that I am a great poet or something, but the words above have just
been put together by yours truly.
So sad is the back drop of this story that I sometimes
wonder how badly depressed I am. Meet the Speedosopher, the guy who is
excellent in giving unnecessary gyan because probably that is the only thing he
thinks will not fail! I had written about ‘the Rock Bottom’ before and no
Dwayne Johnson has anything to do with it. It was then, when I was trying to
mask my depression under the mask of thought.
But then what is the point in hiding! My life, my
depression, my fucking choice! It has been quite some time that I have been
trying to do things right for a change and it turns out that I am digging my
own bloody grave. We all have been taught that doing the right thing will
always make you happy. But the truth is, fuck my lord, it doesn’t.
That is because – here is the crux – you can not define the ‘right
thing’. The right thing, by virtue of its definition, is that deed which when
done would probably make the stake holders of your life think you are not going
to the dogs yet! Reminds me of ‘Sadda Haq’ – what an amazing composition by AR
Rahman – getting the emotions out of the noted perfectly!
I am no politician. I believe in doing things the right way
and it doesn’t matter if the thing is wrong in the first place. If I have
chosen to do it, it has to be precariously planned and ruthlessly executed. Well,
this brings me to my professional life. Well, I am lucky enough to find a
workplace that seems to be awesome and the job that I do feels super awesome. I
guess it is the excess of ‘awesomeness’, like Barney says, is screwing things
up. I may be wrong, but from where I stand, I see a lot of disparity in the
responsibility vs authority matrix. I thought the two years I was wasted in
MBA, were a complete waste but no! Mistaking accountability for
micro-management and trying to measure everything are the two biggest mistakes
one can do and if that gets drilled down as a culture in a growing organization,
it’s a disaster in the making.
But, fuck that. That is not what is bothering me the most
now. Is it not super awesome when you get hired for a role where well, you will
have to figure out what you would do. Take my word, it is the worst thing that
could ever happen to you. Because, you can not tread on to any one’s closely
guarded territories unless your appointment letter says so, neither can you
expect a good appraisal because they were always so many things you could do.
And when you have friends like mine, well, I will have to wish you the best of
luck twice over.
But fuck that too. That’s not again the point. After years
of doing the right things, trusting the good in people, I still am stuck. I have a rusted
motorcycle, my car is in shambles, I haven’t been on the road with no chut
telling me to slow down and at the end of it, I don’t even have money in my
bank. I am tired of living a good life.
I am tired of doing the right things. I am tired of being what I am – a foolish
wreck. But the best part of this is, if I break away right now – hell would break
loose. Not that I fear it, but somehow I have got used to avoid it.
ढुंढते रहे वजूद, अनजनी उन लेहेरो मे,
आके कोइ बतलाएगी आशियने का पता जैसे!
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
PS:
Do not expect me to thank you for the sympathy or empathy or whatever, I don’t need
any of those. This is my shit, my choice!
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